You’re Playing It Wrong: weighing up PS4 and Xbox One owners’ predilections in porn

Brian Howe’s monthly column offers an alternative view of industry matters. Illustration by Marsh Davies.

The startling data on the porn rental habits of gamers immediately raises one burning question: who still rents porn now that they’re just giving it away? Online shopping addicts? Credit card thieves? Confused elderly people on the verge of a life-threatening shock? You might as well rent snow in Siberia. Well, now we can add one definitive answer to that speculative list: PS4 owners. Last December, they reportedly signed up for the porn rental service SugarDVD’s console app a whopping three times as often as their Xbox One-owning brethren. (And sistren! But let’s be real, it’s mostly brethren.)

SugarDVD also named the top five rental titles for each console, which were similar in their unsettling proclivities for cream pies and Russians. In a rare instance of cross-console solidarity, Cream Plosions #2, a touching tale of two drugged-looking young women getting coldly and mechanically screwed, topped both lists. Now that PlayStation and Xbox partisans are united in their passion for creaming virgin Russian ass, can peace on the Gaza Strip be far behind? In any case, one lesson is clear: when you go play PS4 at your buddy’s house, you should bring a blacklight, or ideally your own controller, though there is a strong statistical probability that yours is also encrusted with reproductive fluids. But better the semen you know than the semen you don’t, if I remember the expression correctly.

Even though there were still more PornStation 4s than Xbox Ones sold at the time, the lopsided distribution of people who wish to make creative and unauthorised use of rumble controllers is counterintuitive. The Xbox One, a console specifically designed to plunge its omniscient tentacles into every orifice of your integrated home media system, should make it easier than ever to turn your console into a filthy, filthy smut box. And while I haven’t yet tried the video services on the new consoles, as someone who uses the PS3 Netflix app only when he wants to experience blinding rage, it seems to me that Sony’s hiccupy streaming can’t even keep up with Wii’s, despite technological superiority so overwhelming that any Wii left next to a PS3 will eventually begin to worship it.

The plot thickens when you consider the findings of a survey that polled the romantic partners of over 1,700 gamers to find out how sexually satisfied they were, a study now known to many gamers as ‘My worst nightmare made incarnate’. The sexual prowess of only 11 per cent of gamers was rated ‘excellent’, while 27 per cent were deemed ‘good’. The figures for ‘average’ and ‘below average’ are too heartbreaking to republish here, while those for ‘actively traumatic’ were mercifully omitted. But intriguingly, Xbox users were rated ‘excellent’ or ‘good’ twice as often as the general population, implying that the PlayStation players were dragging down the average with abysmal approval ratings seldom seen outside of the US Congress.

Xbox One is the media console of choice? The stats for porn rental service SugarDVD show otherwise.

There are several inferences we can make from this data. One is that Xbox users shag like ancient Greek gods, while PS4 owners, having stroked every last drop out of God Of War sex minigames and debugged Ellen Page screenshots – and being evidently unfit for human copulation – retreated en masse into the sad but non-judgmental embrace of porn. Perhaps some of them even chose PS4 over Xbox One specifically for porn-related purposes, labouring under serious delusions about the function of DualShock 4’s touchpad.

But we should give PS4 owners some benefit of the doubt. Surely they can’t all be shifty-eyed self-abuse addicts who are identifiable, in the rare moments when they venture into public, by their permanently claw-like fapping hands. Perhaps some of them clicked on Monsters Of Jizz under the misapprehension that it was the title of a bizarre new Suda 51 game. Perhaps some were home chefs simply hoping to learn how to cook a good old Russian cream pie, just like mum used to make. Perhaps they couldn’t resist getting their rocks off in glorious native 1080p, where you can see every razor bump and suspicious rash, rather than plain old 720p, which from what I’ve been reading is so low-res it can actually damage your eyesight.

On the flipside, maybe Xbox One owners would love to get in on the porn action, but abstain because they’re mortgaged up to their eyeballs to afford the console. Maybe they just fear the all-seeing tattletale eye of Kinect. Maybe the thought of having to say “Xbox, stream gangbangs” is too humiliating. Maybe they fear accidentally pulling up Creampie Hunnies From Russia on splitscreen while playing Zoo Tycoon with the family. Or maybe, just maybe, Xbox One players are secretly the biggest pervs of all. Consider this detail: while PS4 owners rented Top Heavy Tarts #6 into the top five, Xbox One owners preferred Top Heavy Tarts #24, which seems to imply that they had already watched the first 23.

Of course, this is all gross speculation. But tellingly, no data is available on the porn rental habits of Wii U owners, because as we all know, they only get aroused by Harvest Moon.

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